I mentioned how there was a bit of progress with J.
So after I got the most honest and helpful message from a fabulous Tumblr woman of wisdom, I realized she was right.
Only I can heal myself. The best revenge is to be happy, healthy and living out my best days. (Wise woman, y’all).
I realized, last night, that I needed to have an open dialogue with J about my feelings and put everything on the table. Bottling it in was what was hurting me to my core and texting is not the appropriate way to express feelings.
I called about a question I had and then I brought up the whole thing about the chance I may see them together next week.
I apologized for my outburst (via text), but that he has to understand that this is still new. We’ve only been separated since Thanksgiving and I am trying to work through the hurt and anger (with a therapist, too). I told him that I really do want him to be happy. When he’s happy, it’s better for our child. It’s better for J, too. I, obviously, don’t like to see anyone I care about upset.
J is the father of my child and I will love him in a way until the day I die. We are a team and to kick ass a team, we have to be in synch and respectful and kind to one another, regardless if the other person has a significant other or not.
I am really trying to work on this. I will continue to try and be happy for him and her. It will take a longer time to truly accept her, but it will happen. It has to. I can’t carry around the anger and disgust any longer. It’s too heavy and it’s not cute.
I have to focus on the awesome things in my life…A dreamy awesome son, fabulous family, amazing friends (and Tumblrs), a job I am in love with, a boss I respect deeply, a fabulous UK vacation coming up, more books than I could ever dream of, exciting new adventures…it’s all at my fingertips.
I’m ready to let go of the pain. I am ready to surrender that to heal. I am ready to go out there and kick ass and take names and smile until it hurts. I’m ready to laugh until I cry. I’m ready to kiss a handsome man (or two). I’m ready to travel and explore. I’m ready to re-learn a language I love. I am ready to tackle new projects and work strategies. I am ready to carpe diem!
As my favorite fictional character says…
"Nothing’s holding me back anymore. I know what I want, and I’m gonna get it."
It’s MY time and I’m ready!